the bitchen' blog. literally.

Sempurna

You turned around and blew me a kiss. I forced a smile, and blew one back. I stayed on and watched you walk away from immigration, until I could no longer see your feet. I turned and looked for the nearest restroom. I shut the door, and started to cry.

After what seemed like an eternity, I stuck my earphones into my ears and took out my iPod. The very same one your mother gave me. Music - Playlist - AUDRAkay - Andra & The Backbone. Sempurna was the song of choice. The song that we had been listening to over and over again in the car the past three weeks you were here. I could imagine you humming it, how you said it sounded like a Phil Collins song. We still never figured it out. I regretted not telling you what the whole song meant.

Oddly enough, it made me feel stronger listening to it, when it should've brought me closer to tears. It felt as though you were telling me those words, invisible hands holding on to me that were helping me to my car. I looked down, not wanting to look at the people who were very obviously looking at me with my smudged make-up. I walked, and I walked fast.. I reached the carpark, and I could hear my breathing getting louder and louder. I just wanted to get into that car. The minute the door slammed shut, I screamed and I cried.

I started the car, and with every inch I moved away from the place that I parked, the sicker and sicker I felt to be leaving you, while you were still just only miles away from me. I felt helpless, and felt like dying. The most horrible drive home, all I can remember were the tears that consistently kept my cheeks wet. My body functioned like clockwork. I didn't know what I was doing, but I was moving the car.

Three weeks ago, I drove the same road.. I was excited, nervous.. but most of all, just happy to have had my hands in yours again. Three weeks later, I am a wreck. I wonder, how many times have the trees by this road to and from KLIA witnessed the highs and lows of people passing by.

I reached PJ. The streets looked different. My house felt different. Mom opened the door, no words were exchanged. I sat down beside her on the couch, trying my best not to look like I was devastated. She softly asked if there were any problems. I told her about the manual check-in.

She softly patted me on my thigh, and instantly I felt teardrops on my arm. I closed my eyes and turned away. Viv sent me a text, and all I could think of was how relieved I was that she didn't send you off. Only because I was in no mood to see or talk to anyone. No one could possibly understand the sadness inside of me. I felt that if I talked about us, that it would've cheapened our time spent together.

I know we fought a lot during your three weeks here, and I know it's because of what I did in the past.. I know I said that these were the worst three weeks of my life..but I take it all back. If anything, I've never felt more alive.

Our last night together was the most magical. It sparked something in me, it made me feel like that very first time in your Gubbay room all over again.

Alex,

You are a person full of character, and I know I've called you a negative person before.. but you're also the nicest, most caring, funny as hell, real, intelligent, responsible..and of course sexXxy as fuck and handsome-st man on earth. Besides Mommy and Daddy, you are the only person I will ever trust my life with.

I think maybe the reason why I feel a lot calmer now, despite having to say goodbye for the fourth time.. is that eventhough I'm sad in my heart, I know this is not the end. I know I will see you again very, very soon and it will be amazing.

I'm so glad you met my family. Mom told me to tell you that she loves you a lot, that you're a nice sweet boy and she misses your company. You've also pleasantly changed her perception of Americans, who knew! She said that when you hugged her goodbye, she didn't want to hug you too long because she would've started to cry.

Alex my darling, please know that you are dearly missed here.. the house feels so empty without you walking by the hall, with two glasses of iced water in hand.. one for you, and one for me. I keep hoping to see you walk through that door, with your sleeveless t-shirt and shorts, and that smile on your face.

You may not have enjoyed my crappy country and the shitty people you had to deal with here, but I'm sure glad I got to see it through your eyes. I'll see you as the tiny, green bird with the splash of red feathers underneath, my Toco, a tiny electric blue fish in the clear blue waters of Lang Tengah full of sharp corals and sharks, the lizards on my porch.. all the things that will put a smile on my face :-)

Alex.. I find it incredibly poetic that my Mom's red lilies bloomed for the first time in 20 years on the morning you were about to leave..and you saw it. It's as if it bloomed for you, for all the joy you have brought us, to me especially.

I love you with all my heart my baby Alex, thank you for being my man.. and I'm so proud to be your little girl..for always..