I've told you before what I want, what I can't stand, what annoys me..but everytime I'm shot down or made to feel like I'm the meanest person on earth.

I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm tired of being told that I'm selfish just because I have certain ideas of how I envision my life to be.

Everyone has a right to dream, the right to aspire - is that so wrong?

I'm still Fatty McFat in my head

So since I've been back in Malaysia for almost two years now, I've kinda lost some weight. About 15kg of weight.

Before

I'm not gonna lie. Adjusting to 'being fat' took a bit of getting used to. And before you start rolling your eyes, this is not some oh-look-at-me-I-think-I'm-awesome post. It's not. Read between the lines if you may.

See, I gained helluva lot of weight towards the last few months during my year abroad. My boyfriend Alex and I LOVE to eat, and we would literally eat all day and all night. We ate, we slept, we hung out, we traveled..life was good. I was the happiest I'd ever been, and I hardly noticed the massive weight gain. I suppose because no one ever brought it up, or made me feel like shit for it. Sure my clothes, no longer fit, skinny-Ts starting to ride up my belly - a first for me. But Alex gave me the solution, buy clothes that fit..and that meant buying a size 12, and eventually even a size 14.

Now I'd been able to fit in 8's and 10's before, and trust me..getting your brain to be O.K. with buying 2 sizes bigger was a huge blow to the ego. It took me awhile, but after awhile it got tiring having to constantly suck in your tummy with super tight tops. So I surrendered and started on rebuilding my wardrobe. But despite all that, I was still pretty cool with myself.

And then I came back to Malaysia, and it started.

One after another, starting from my own mother (I'm a poet huh!)..all I seemed to hear was "WOW you've put on a lot of weight!"

Some looked seriously distraught, but for the most part, people almost seemed to enjoy the fact that I was overweight. Sick or not?

I would go shopping by myself in malls (I love doing this), and I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet here but before I would get boys looking at me, and their girlfriends giving me the evil eye - not like I was all that hot pun, but I guess to some, maybe I was competition? THEN.

But this time around, no one looked, no one stared, no one gave me the evil eye. I was invisible. It was refreshing, yet I couldn't help but feel like..hey man wtf!? I'm still hot what! My boyfriend tells me everyday I am! Of course he would, he's your boyfriend!

So after a couple of months of this constant 1-sided conversation in my head..I started to accept my new found invisibility and used it to my advantage.

I had no reason to dress up fancy anymore, no reason to care about how I did my hair and so on.

I also found that certain friends lost touch with me, or like some people that I was never really close to just slowly disappeared from my life..which didn't really bother me coz quite frankly, I could care less. Those of you who are close to me know that I am somewhat of an anti-social, so it was abit of a relief not to have to feel obliged to hang out with people I wasn't really close to.

But after losing all that weight (not intentionally btw, it just sort of happened), all of a sudden I'm getting all these msgs and texts from these people complimenting me on my weight loss. Which I guess is great, and I guess they're just being genuinely nice..but I can't help but feel like, OH so NOW I'm relevant again?

Ya ok I'm being a sour puss, so I'll try to end this on a positive note. This post goes out to all my family and friends who've been keeping it real with me, be it at 79kg or 60kg.. you guys are awesome and I gots your back always mayyyyn!

Oh and a quick shout out to my girls Zef, Inayah, Tati and Amal for coming out and celebrating my joint-birthday thing with Zef last Saturday.. I had the best best time :) love you girls!

Sugar Cane Kowalzyck
Sugar. The worst (but yummiest) thing ever created by MAN! So ok, I've been told I lost quite a bit of weight this year, and I attribute it to me cutting down on "some" daily sweeties i.e. no teh ais, kopi ais, less snacking on cookies and unnecessary tidbits at work.. so I think that somewhat contributed to the weight loss. And I can see how based on the following..be warned! You shall never look at your favourite guilty sweeties the same way again :(













Sent this to Alex, and this is what he sent back:


He's so corny it hurts my mouth everytime I try to knock this stupid grin off my face :D

MALAYSIAN RACISM


Was doing some reading on Malaysia as a third world country and came across this blog and some of the comments kinda pissed me off. So here are some of the snippets, and my response (in the heat of the moment, yes I know I'm very emotional!) :

Bumi Ownz U Says:
September 21, 2008 at 10:38 pm

Malaysia is third world. Its corrupt, the foot paths are falling apart.. there are deaths due to bits of buildings falling off.. there are beggers on the street.. there are dodgy rip off merchandise in dodgy areas in the city… in fact, the cleanliness of the country is disgraceful.. people throw rubbish, empty bottles out of their windows… Malaysia hires third world people to build their third world low quality structures… just look at the bricks and you will see how “quality” the materials are.. look at the finish… look at Proton.. maybe you should sell it to India because nobody wants it…

Malaysia is third world… Low quality.. producer of low quality subsistence products… its GDP is considered third world.. its economic size cant even compete with 3.5million people singapore… if you are proud of Malaysia, maybe you should get out of your hole and see the world and what progression really is…

riezawa Says:
September 23, 2008 at 9:31 am

Ah, well before you burn the writer for the message, read more of the stuff on the rest of the site… I’m a Malaysian Chinese presently studying (Actuarial Science/ Finance) in America.

“maybe you should get out of your hole and see the world and what progression really is…” I think I’m sufficiently out of my hole now… Right?

Honestly I wouldn’t want to get into UiTM in the first place. Is it ranked anywhere as a particularly good uni to go to? No?

“Catch a taxi in Tokyo and then catch a taxi in Malaysia and you will realise why Malaysia is still third world…” What, because taxis in Malaysia cost at least 300% less? Kesian the Malaysian taxi uncles lah, they’re not all bad. Burn a hole in your wallet taking a cab in USA and maybe you’ll revise your opinion, you know.

Actually I’ve wanted to write about the Malaysian Apartheid for a while now. Indeed, I think it’s quite true. Maybe someday, if I’m not lazy.

RM isn’t really a joke… Maybe I should make a joke about the USD. That one is a riot.

Audra Says:
April 1, 2009 at 12:31 pm

I’ve always had a problem with racists statements. I am a 25-year old Malay, but have always been mistaken for a Chinese. Growing in various states in Malaysia, I’ve had a tonne of friends from all different religions and races and never really thought racism was a problem until I left high-school.

I didn’t do too well in my SPM, 3As and the rest were Cs. My dad had just retired from serving the government as the Dean and Campus Director for USM, so money was not in abundance. Therefore, I had to settle for UiTM (Oh the HORRORS huh Riezawa) and not some fancy private college. While this left me terribly unhappy, I made it a point to be a stellar student and I’m proud to say that I’ve accomplished much more than my other counterparts who studied in private colleges and even universities abroad. I then managed to snag a partial scholarship to do my MA in London (not through UiTM, completely on my own effort and pocket).

BTW Riezawa, what’s the point of going to a highly ranked University if you end up coming out of it with a particularly shallow mentality such as yours? In case they didn’t teach this in Actuarial Science in the US of A, it’s what you do with your education - regardless of where you obtained it, that counts. Fuck, I’ve met numerous people in the current KL workforce from so-called prestigious colleges and universities from KL and around the world who can’t even write a decent e-mail in English. Going to a high-ranking university just means you have money, and not necessarily the brains. Oh and FYI, UiTM grads are highly sought after because they CAN actually work, and not full of shit like most private college spoilt brats out there. Again, of course there are spoilt rotten apples everywhere. All I’m saying is don’t be so quick to judge a person based on what Uni they come from.

Secondly, yes the racial quota sucks. I can understand why non-bumis would be upset. However, here’s some food for thought : I have three sisters who received full scholarships to study medicine in England and let me tell you, they slogged hard to get it. Today, all three are serving government hospitals and work 7-days a week..and for what? To help the Rakyat. Hell, they’ve probably operated on one of your relatives. Why don’t you tell them to their face how you think their education was undeserving? Do you know how shit they pay? While most others would easily find any excuse not to return to Malaysia let alone work in the govt hospitals purely for monetary reasons, there are tonnes of others who do it because of the passion and the REAL desire to help those in need. Let me tell you something, if you’re doing medicine because “WAHHH CAN EARN A LOT OF MONEYYY” then we’re all fucked. I would not go to a doctor who has money as his/her motivation.

This is the reason why Malaysia will never be anything more than a third world country because of its citizens and their third world mentality. Everyone thinks that everything should be handed to them on a silver platter. Fuck dude, if you’re in the US you should know damn well that most students take up loans for their education and not have their parents pay for it. Instead of being all wah wah wah I’m not getting this, I’m not getting that..what is it exactly that YOU are contributing towards the country? If you are so far awesome and above this shitty country, then why are you not being the bigger person here? Serve the country, as it has served you by providing you with a safe haven, a roof over your head and food on your table that has enabled you to be where you are today.

Oh and another thing : I am TOTALLY for equal rights. If only there were equal amounts of Chinese and Indians serving the Police, the Army, and all the uniformed bodies that risk their lives to fight for the country. I seriously have a lot of respect for all the non-Malays in the armed forces, super thumbs up to them. Chew on that. Yeah I said it. Equal rights should come in not only in terms of education and “ideal” jobs. No one is forcing you to join the army, you have the freedom of choice to study whatever the hell you want to yet still you complain? Heavens, what an ungrateful bunch of whiny brats. You know what, if you hate this third world country so much, do us all a favour and don’t come back. I’d rather hang out with the everyday Rakyat than you shallow, pretentious, materialistic obnoxious folks ANY DAY.

Seriously I am SO TIRED of hearing people bitch about the inequalities of the world. FACE IT people, life isn't fair. So you don't get to go to a dumb Malay university. Some other person has AIDS. Someone else is bankrupt. And somewhere out there someone realised he just fucked his long lost grand-daughter. LIFE FUCKING GOES ON.


Can we all just get a long now?