Happy 6th-month Anniversary

(29 November 2006 - 29 May 2007)

When I think about the past seven months that I've been here, it's hard to think of any memory without you. I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. From the time I saw you at Trafalgar at night from inside a car, the shy hi-bye conversations in the kitchen (not to mention the "I think he's in the kitchen now" before finding an excuse to be in the kitchen :P), watching Click in your room, the Halloween party (how Veron was part of the 'plan' to pull you meh), the Christina concert, how I was amazed you didn't pull any moves on me then and realised what a gentleman you were, you buying me a cookie and food when I was sick before we were even an item, the nights I was too 'tired' to just walk across to my room after a movie, our games nights in your room, ARTention, my Christmas present to you, Venice and Rome I will never forget how I felt that night on the deck when it was just us two looking out at the dark Venetian waters and lights of San Marco, the kiss on Plaza Venezia in Rome, how you ran back to me before immigration checks at the barrier to kiss me and say I LOVE YOU - the first time you said it, how it put a smile on my face, the empty room I had to go back to, the first time I saw you on the webcam, the tears, the laughs, the fights, waiting for you at the airport with a daffodil in my hand - how you smiled and turned at the sound of my voice before you even saw me, making sago with me in the kitchen, always washing the dishes while I cooked, how the most mundane chores were the most fun thing to do when I'm with you, having dinner with my sister, just being in my room watching TV and snuggling. You loving me unconditionally.

I love you Schmoops.

Thank you for being so patient with me. I know I haven't been making it easy for you, but you know you mean the world to me, the only one who makes me feel special and worthy of being loved. We've both come a long way, God knows long-distance is tough but we made it this far.

Audra sayang Alex :)

Disclaimer: This post was written half-way a few weeks back before holis began, but was so busy that I never got around to finishing it..so the references to 'last week' was in actual fact almost a month ago.

Why I Love the UK.

As most of you already know, the past week has been the worst since I got here. First on Tuesday, I had a presentation on what my dissertation would be on, and because I had a lack of time and resources, I just presented Shahnon Ahmad's Ranjau Sepanjang Jalan and the translation by Adibah Amin that I got off Amazon.com for frikkin £10.00 because I had already done it for a previous essay that was due the same day. So the presentation was good etc. like I made use of my PR training and went the whole 9 yards, Powerpoint Presentation, handouts etc. but it's like I wasn't feeling it and I wasn't excited about doing that. I was plagued by a feeling of hopelessness, and to top it off, I was expected criticism from the panel..but all I got was, "Yes, it's interesting to see how you've grouped it that way..it's very well organised." You'd think I'd be happy right? WRONG.

For some mental reason, I was on an emotional rollercoaster that week. I'd been so stresssed prior to that, and put in so much effort into it that I felt like the comments weren't constructive. Like okay, cmon.. I KNOW it couldn't be perfect..so what gives right? So anyway I went back upset, thinking okay..they must either not take me seriously or my presentation must've been really boring. And you know how after a presentation no matter how good or bad it is you're usually just relieved and glad it's done and over with? Well no matter how hard I tried, it bugged me..day and night. So the next day I emailed my lecturer and also mentioned that I knew it was too late coz I had done the presentation already but if I could change my topic to subtitling instead because I'm interested in venturing there. She replied that she thought it was a wonderful presentation and that it was a basis for a good dissertation but that she totally understood my POV on subtitling and said she would help any how she could. So that was one thing sorted. Gotta love helpful and understanding lecturers.

So now for the pièce de résistance: On Thursday I was still feeling bummed. So I thought, OK. Maybe some retail therapy would help. Plus it was Tehrym's birthday Friday night and I needed to get some things. So I went to Enfield Town and shopped and shopped, and bought quite a few things. My last stop was Monsoon, and I don't even go in there usually because the price is slightly steeper than Topshop etc. I go in, I look at belts..and I see one that I really like..it was soft, not like the hard, cheap belts you find elsewhere. It's £25. I breathe in and think long and hard. In the end I decided to just fudge it and before I knew it, I was carrying a tiny Monsoon paper bag with a belt in it. So I get on the bus back to Oakwood and put my stuff beside me. I get off, and get on the shuttle back to Trent Park.

As I get off the shuttle and walk towards my hall, I realise..fuck. I didn't have my Monsoon bag. I felt like a total idiot!! The most expensive thing that I had bought that day and the one thing I was actually not sure of getting was G-O-N-E. Words cannot express how much of a spaz I felt that day. Instead of making me feel better..retail therapy was more of retail injury - to my pea-sized brain and my wallet. Anyway, I brushed this off as best I could..and focused on Tehrym's birthday. So Friday was good, the party was nice etc, etc.

I slept at 3am, because I was supposed to send my sister off at Heathrow since she was finally leaving the UK for good. I woke up at 6.30am and decided I would take the cab to Oakwood since the shuttle didn't start that early. Then I told myself, well make sure you have enough money first. So I started looking for my little cardholder that had my bank card and Oyster (travel) card coz I sometimes put some money in there.

And guess what. I didn't find it. Yep. You guessed it. I put it in the Monsoon bag, along with the belt I lost. AUDRA, tu es GENIAL.

You cannot imagine how I broke down. I was so upset because I wouldn't be able to see my sister before she left. I called her up, crying and she calmed me down and said it was okay, and she asked me to sort my card out first. So I called the bank, cancelled my card. And then after I hung up I forgot to ask them about my balance. When I called them back it was a whole process of passing me from one person to another, and 15 minutes later when I finally got the 'right' person - voice message. Just my luck. So I had no cash, and no credit. By this time I am exhausted from the lack of sleep, from the tears, and from the headache. So I decide to sleep for an hour before heading to the bank in Enfield. Once there, I checked my account, and thankfully..no money had been removed. I took out some cash using my cheque book and made my way to my friends place in Enfield to get some Malay DVD's for my dissertation. On the bus, I asked the driver for hecks sake..where the Lost & Found for buses were. Thankfully it was on the way so I got off at the appropriate place.

The place was empty and the counter was closed, despite the sign that said it was supposed to be open. I rang the bell and the partition was lifted and a woman was there asking me what I was looking for. I told her, a red Monsoon paperbag, possibly with a belt, and a cardholder in it. She said, one second let me go back and check for you..and with that, she closed the partition again. Immediately, I leaned on the counter as I knew she wasn't going to find anything and that it would take awhile. Not even 5 minutes after she left, I was shocked when I heard a voice behind me say, "There you go!" I turned around in disbelief, and there I saw the woman, WITH the Monsoon bag..and get this - everything was in the bag. I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. From the belt to the debit card. I jumped for joy, thanked her numerously and skipped on. I then went on to Hanie's place, Veron's place with lunch and nap, before heading to Central to visit my cousin and aunt. It sure was the longest day of my life.

Well, the point of the story really is to note my amazement and the luck of my situation. Let me assure you that if this were in my dearest country Malaysia - that bag would have been longgggggggg gone. Money would've been drained out of my account, and I would be a total wreck. Thank you to the kind soul who found the bag and passed it on to the bus driver, if you had taken the belt I would have still thanked you for saving my card but that just goes to show what a big-hearted person you are. To the bus driver, thank you for being an honest, honest man - if I knew who you were I would commend you and the Transport for London services for having such respectful staff. Lastly, thank you Alex sayang for bearing with me throughout my crazy, PMS-y self.. I don't know how you do it.. but I sure love you for it :)

Truly.. my faith in mankind has been restored.

You Are Pop Art

When it comes to art, you're definitely not a snob. You can appreciate the mainstream aspects of culture, even if you need to twist them a bit to make them your own. Whether you're into comics, retro pinups, or bold colors, you embrace what's eye catching and simple. As far as most other art goes, you consider it a little too elitist and high brow for your tastes!

What Art Movement Are You?

Go Back to *****, BITCH.

I'm stressed. I won't lie. I've been going through shit, because I'm stressed about my dissertation. And I'm at a low. I haven't been this low since I first got here the first month. But I miss my parents a lot. I really don't care much for anything else back home, but my parents..I can't live without. It pains me to know that they are getting older by the day, and that I am not there for them. To make things worse, I can't even be with my boyfriend. But that's the way it is. And I have to deal. Then, I get news from an old best friend in KL. And then I hear that some high-school "friend" that I HARDLY EVER spoke to has been trying to bad mouth me by saying, "Audra, rich girl..using dad's money and having fun in UK".

FUCKING HELL. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO SAY THAT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! I FOUGHT AND WORKED FUCKING HARD TO GET TO WHERE I AM TODAY, I GOT A FUCKING SCHOLARSHIP, MY DAD WORKS HARD TO MAKE SURE I HAVE FOOD, I DON'T GO FUCKING WASTE MY MONEY TO GET INTO CLUBS AND GET FUCKING WASTED ALL THE FUCKING TIME LIKE ALL THE OTHER SHITHEADS THAT STUDY ABROAD SO SHUT YOUR TRAP, YOU WHORE, YOU STUPID JOBLESS BITCH WHO USES OF ALL HER FRIENDS. SERIOUSLY HOW COULD YOU USE HER LIKE THAT..YOU CALL HER YOUR FRIEND? BUT YOU TREAT HER LIKE YOUR DAMN SECRETARY? HELLO LOOK IN THE MIRROR LA OK..KALAU DAH BURUK TU, HOW CAN YOU AFFORD TO HAVE SUCH A STINKING PERSONALITY? SURE SUCKS TO BE YOU. TAKDE DUIT PUN NAK CLUBBING, HOW SAD IS YOUR LIFE DUDE? THAT YOU HAVE TO PINJAM MONEY FROM PEOPLE TO GO CLUBBING..AND AT FUCKING 24 YEARS OLD? YOU ARE A FUCKING JOKE.

breathe.

that felt good. that felt damn good. that piece of news has really made my day. you know when you're in high school and you know you're weird and that people don't get you and you feel like you don't really fit in or that you're not good enough, but you know these people are stinking losers anyway so you don't really give a shit and mind your own business? well that's me. sri amanians are the biggest losers out there, so full of themselves when there's nothing to be proud of..it's like they're all on some kind of an ego trip for what also I don't know lah. and like I always say, its easier to hate and ugly girl that's mean then a pretty girl who is mean. Like when a pretty girl is mean you're like sure, she's prolly used to getting shit her way all the time. But when someone that looks like a buttface is being a bitch you're just like yo, whats this shit.

well, that's thoughtful and nice how bitch got her panties all tied up in a bunch talking about me, i feel bad that she never even crossed my mind once, since I got here. thanks for all the profile views people and assuming things and starting rumours, it's nice that you try and associate yourself with me by talking about me like you know me so well..it's sweet. it REALLY is. thanks, but no thanks. yo shit ass ain't worth jack and I wouldn't want to be associated with you, ever. this is for all the haters, leave me the fuck alone..I haven't done anything but mind my own business and I'd recommend you try it, but then again your desperate Britney-esque attention seeking attempts would probably not allow it. so just make sure you keep those shavers away.

The feeling with no name

He is the one that puts a smile on my face,

The one whose green eyes see right through me,

Beautiful are his eyes like the sea that catches the sun,

Through it I see bliss, kindness, honesty and fun.



But for a second I see something else,

And for that second I feel something else,

Like a thousand stones tied to my chest,

It’s a feeling that hasn’t a name.



He is the one who makes me happy,

Rubs my back and looks after me,

I run my hands through his curls,

And for a moment, all my troubles are far away.



But now he is oceans away from me,

I catch a whiff from the open window,

And it takes me back to the time,

I saw him first by chance in a car,

How I knew it was fate, what else could it be?



Both attracted but ever so shy,

It was Halloween, sandwiches, concerts and games,

Movies and cook-outs before anything,

It was when I knew he was a proper man.

Unlike the others I had met before,

He was the one I needed more,

Than anything else I had ever wanted,

Than anything else I had ever needed.



And now the trees outside,

They know our story,

They remember the walks we’ve taken,

They remember the laughs,

They’ve seen the passion,

And they also remember the tears.



They’ve watched while their leaves

Changed colors from green to yellow,

Naked, to being frosted with snow,

And now, with their pink cherry blossoms.



Still they are with us, with me when I’m sad

Thoughts of tomorrow, with no pleasant answers,

Leave me hoping, for that scent again,

So I can forget, for a moment,

That feeling with no name,

And instead have dreams

Of walks in the park,

How it started,

How it should end.

The Swiss Escape, 10-13 March 2007
Was in Geneva, Montreux and the French border at the small village of Yvoire with my neighbour from Kelana Jaya, Farah and her friend Alif. Stayed at her uncle's - the Malaysian ambassador in Geneva. Geneva was uber cool, not much to do..but awesome sights. Those mountains were especially breathtaking..Mont Blanc, Chateau de Chillon in Montreux, Jet d'Eau - the highest water pump in the world, and of course what trip to Geneva would be complete without at least a glimpse of the United Nations headquarters. Geneva's THE place to get your designer watches - Rolex, Phillipe Patek, Jaeger-LeCoultre...to your everyday Swatch which was prolly the only thing I could afford but I said NO! So you can expect everything in Geneva is ON time. The bus timetables are exactly as they should be, never late or early - its amazzaazzzing.

If you're ever in Geneva, I highly recommend dropping by Montreux though and walk along the Swiss Riviera for spectacular views. Plus Freddie Mercury's recording studio is also there and it's a regular concert venue. Ah je t'aime la Suisse :)

The attack of the random
dude I can't even begin to describe this..love it! imayoutubewhore..yessaaiamm.

Would you like a pie?

"Set in Russia, turn of the century. This is dark, penetrating theatre."

Would you like a pie?
No..

But it is a good pie.

Nevertheless.

Last time you brought me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie cutter and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the tadpole.

It was a trick pie.

Why you no like my pie?

I JUST TOLD YOU

WHY YOU NO LIKE MY PIEEEE
WHY DON'T LIKEEEEE

WHY MUST YOU BRING ME PIEEE
EVERYDAY FUCKING PASTRY GOODS WITH YOU

MY PIEEEE..

The best piece of theatre I've seen in awhile if you ask me. :)

Merrymaking at My Place.

Calvin Harris @ The Proud Galleries, 15 February 2007

Michael made me promise to watch the Calvin Harris gig with him in Camden ages ago, so I invited my Malaysian buddies and Momo the Japo (even Cheeky came!) to tag along. We got our bed chamber which was cool, just enjoying the ambience and soaking everything up. This time around their video displays were black and white nude 'art' which I rather like actually.

whee.

cheski and cheeky. cheeky is a flippin snob. and a knob.

with my verondee. cleavage baby!

So we were mucking about, when Hanie got up to go to the bar and stopped dead in her tracks and looked as if she'd seen a ghost. She slid back down on the bed and said, "omg. Have you guys heard of the Mighty Boosh? well..the guy is here!" and I nearly crapped my three quarter leggings there and then. Could it be? Noel Fielding?? The man with the hair????? Naw it couldn't be..that would be too perfect!

So we looked over two chambers down, and there he was..fo serious. That mane was unmistakable. I was giddy with excitement, but this, being the Proud, everyone noticed him but everyone was too cool to act like they noticed him. But me being me, it's not like I give a shit about what these people think - I'll never have to see them again! But he looked busy with his friend, they had a laptop and all, so Michael and I went to the other section to watch Calvin Harris perform live.



I was in for a treat! Didn't expect them to be that good (coz as much as I love both Vegas and Acceptable in the 80s, I couldn't help but think their songs sounded the same) but mannn..Merrymaking at My Place is a favourite now. And the guy reminded me of Michael, his mannerisms and weird movements lol.

So after that, we went back to our bedchamber to meet the rest and Noel was still in his. We were hanging around to look for a perfect photo op, so the minute we saw him get up Michael was like ok lets wait at the side so when he passes by we'll get him. So that's what we did! Well rather Michael, Hanie and I coz the rest hadn't heard of the wonderment that is Noel Fielding. Turns out Noel was with his manager or something who didn't want him to take pics with us, but Noel (bless his soul) saw Michael in his funky shirt and said "It's awrite mate, he looks like he's from Sonic Youth!" so I took Michael's polaroid for him, and I asked Noel if I could have a picture pleasseeee and he was like "Yeah!" So we posed, and then lo and behold he turns and gives me a wettttt smackkkkerrr on the cheek! wooohoooooo...score! :) I'm in love! I'll never wash this cheek Noel I love you! OH MAN. That was the chocolate covered cherry on top. Good times and so what if I'm not as cool as the posers in Proud..I have a fucking picture with Noel Fielding and he kissed my cheek so go jerk off elsewhere loserssssss muahaaaa!

marry me and our babies we'll have the best hair ever. promise!

The latest edition to the Roslani family!

Isn't he a beaute! That's my nephew ya'll born on the 11th of February 2007. True to family tradition of names starting with 'A', his name is Ahlil Adan! Handsome name for a handsome baby! Lookid him!!! My mom is so taken with him she's even forgotten to call me in 2 weeks now. Teruk betul! But it's okay! Coz he is so cute!! ahhhhhh I wanna seee himmm!! My brother-in-law delivered him how cool is that. The perks of being married to a gynaecologist eh?

Imahottie.

blet.

..and these are some recent pictures of the other two jokers Ahlil will be growing up with, his sister Alia and cousin Adib. So happy lah looking at them! But then I think damn I'm old, then not so happy. hehe! Photos are courtesy of Azlan Sharom's very awesome amateur photography skills hehe thanks bruv!

oh simple times!

next to represent the country?

ahhh comelnya!!!

Valentines Day @ Half Time, Enfield - 14 February 2007

Yeah that time of year again when couples rejoice and singles dread. I, fortunately or rather unfortunately, was pretty indifferent. I am, technically single. I don't know. I'm in one of those "It's complicated" situations but I find it odd how I don't feel sad or happy or anything at all. I'll blog about this later but for now it's time to put up pictures from Vday and the package I received from Alex :)

A week before I sent Alex a package with a polar bear (which he calls Tomyam lol), a card, our Roma picture and a bar of his favourite candy. I got his package a week later because fucking British customs had it for over a week, the twats. Its funny how we sent each other almost the same things, well okay pretty standard la right the things you get for Vday. He sent me hand selected choccies from See's, a card, a box with a little beanie bear (whom I call Chilli), and two of his pillowcases drenched in his cologne hehe so now my room smells of him!

i like receiving packages!

the photoframe and picture is mine :P

See's Hand Selected Candy..mmm.

So anyway, I spent Vday webcam-chatting with Alex in the morning and making Vday cards for Michael and Valentine (it was her birthday, hence the name!). Then I went to Enfield for Half Time with Veronica, Moet and Emie and slept over at Veron's. Pretty uneventful but it was good times nonetheless :)

getting ready at Moet's for Half Time

Moet's so cute when she dances!

Verondee, Emie and Momo

Christina Aguilera's Candyman

so we all know I love her album, it's one of those albums that have more than just 3 good tracks so she is worthy. well I've always thought she was worthy, even in her Dirrrty phase she was rocking it. anyway, she's also been having really spot on videos (Hurt was her idea) and the latest Candyman is the bomb. I love her make up! and her dance! and everything! this video is perfect! I wouldn't do it any differently.

University College of London Malaysian Night 2007 - Sell Out @ the Bloomsbury Theatre

tunggu shuttle @ Trent Park

Jeremy, Ili, Veron & me scratching my eyes out. scratch.

guess lah who's Melayu and who's Cina..sure wrong one.

with Ms Bendy herself, Farahana

everyone's gotta love Connect4! don't mind the bilik the boxes aren't mine.

pigging out on dorrritttosss..mm.

cheski's random shot of pointy toes.

Makan-makan @ Ted Lewis Halls

so last Friday, the long awaited Malaysian Middlesex Uni makan-makan session finally commenced and boy was it good. everyone brought a dish, there were 9 of us..and all 9 of us cooked enough for 9 people each..so we had enough food for 20 people, with that much food..you know its gotta be good! we did the usual catching up with Malaysian gossip (yes gotta have our latest Siti -Datuk K horror stories!), lame Malaysian humour which will always be the bomb..and of course what Malaysian gathering would be complete without a healthy dose of cerita hantu! we're thinking of seting up a Malaysian Society in Middlesex, so gotta round up peeps from the other campuses..here's hoping it'll happen. Oh i can so imagine having a pasar malam in my dear Trent Park..it would be so ROCKIN!! keropok lekorrrrr sooooooonnn i hopeeee! :)

foooood...glorrrious foood.

chinese girl i dont know her name, irina, huinee and audrabodra

with my sexy verondee

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow..

last week, we went for a HighSchool-themed HalfTime uni party at Enfield ( I went as a hot school teacher obviously, I decided to go 10 minutes before everyone wanted to leave..so well done me on a last minute costume!) After Halftime, went back and was webcamming with Alex in the wee hours of the morning and when I looked out the window..I saw SNOWW! beaaaauuuuutiiiffuuuul snnnnoowww..

snow at 4AM

Snow at 9AM

Snow fight!

SO anyways, I went banging on Michael's door and we got dressed and went down to the lawn infront of our halls and oh my, it was the softest, finest, and whitest snow ever! and it was pretty thick too! apparently this is the heaviest snow in London over the past 7 years..so I'm feeling pretty blessed. We made this huggeee snowman (well Michael did most of the hard work, I couldn't get any snow to stick heh!) and I dressed him up and made his face out of sticks for there were no stones to be found..and lo and behold..he looked like a frenchie and thus named Jean-Pierre, sexiest snowman alive hohohohh. A lady came all the way up to admire our work and took some pictures with JP and that made my day :)

my little boy rolling that snow

my miserable attempt at a snowman's head

"that's not how i roll" - in the words of dear dear alex trejo

please stick, please stick..

jean-piere! hohohohhh!!


i love you jean-pierre <3>

they call it loveee

he's the finest french snowman ever

Went back to my room and I could still see JP smiling infront of the tree from there. I also saw a bunch of other people playing with JP and taking pictures with him so that made me happy too. And then I saw a friend in the kitchen and he said he had killed a snowman earlier and I got sad. poops.

Oh Bother Big Brother!

SO Michael and I have been trying to follow the whole racial controversy surround the Big Brother house the past few weeks and last night we managed to catch the finals! We were jumping for joy when Shilpa got called out as the winner.. damn that woman has got the nicest hair! I'm glad she won, she deserves it! She handled everything with grace and dignity and to that I say Well done! even after the announcement, during the post-gathering session when the rest of the cast were degrading racist culprits Jade, Jo (yes of frikkin S Club 7) and some dumb scandalous bimbo 'model' Danielle... Shilpa was still defending them saying, well if I can forgive them then I think everyone else should.

She continued, "Things happen, people make mistakes and we all learn from them.But I can say one thing for sure. Jade didn't mean to be racist. She isn't a racist. I really don't want to leave England putting anyone in trouble. This country has given me so much.I just want to thank all of Great Britain for giving me this fantastic opportunity to make my country proud."

Aw well done Shilps!

In case you wanted to know what was going, here's a gist of what was being said by stupid ex-S Clubber, Jo O'Meara:

Jo had stunned viewers by saying Indian people are skinny because they do not
cook food properly. She also mocked Shilpa’s accent — and complained that
she had touched housemates’ food. (The Sun)

Hilarious. And then she doesn't apologise. And she goes on to say "I'm not a racist."

This pisses me off. I think a lot of people claim they're not racist because they know it is wrong. But that doesn't change how they REALLY feel inside. So they go and say stupid racist stuff and then say Oh I'm not a racist..I can't be, my sister is married to an Indian man so that doesn't make me a racist.

How fucking stupid are these people? Like seriously? White working-class people are so ignorant it's funny. As Jermain Jackson told Shilpa, " You can't mix class with no-class." So true. And as I've always said, don't you just find it easier to hate someone who is butt-ugly than someone who is hot but a total witch? It's like..ok if a hot girl is mean..you're like well she's hot..and she's prolly gotten things her way her whole life. But when a girl is FUGLY and she's mean you're like yoyo..what's going on here? No looks and no endearing personality? Wow.

Only in Britain would they make someone as classless and ho-ugly like Jade Goody a celebrity to begin with. Well her career is going down, she's already lost some contracts and to that Good riddance, I say!

Au revoir 2006, Bienvenue 2007..

A year has gone by, and a good year it has been too. I know this post is coming in a little late, but what can I say.. I've been busy - kicking off the new year with a trip to Italy, bonding with some people, unintentionally losing friendship with others, missing family and those who have been good to me, tearing over the good and bad, thankful for what has happened, regretting nothing - the road to self discovery.

It has only been four months since I've left home, and already I've found out more about myself than I ever have the past 23 years of my life. You are, alone and always will be no matter how many friends you think you have or will be there for you. Their intentions may be right, but each of us have our own paths, our own unique coming of age stories. Sometimes it's better to let go the idea of 'forever friends til we die on our deathbeds' because it's a lot more complicated than that. Letting go of the past or what it could be is the way to live in the now, to absorb new experiences. Destination : Different Possibilities, Excess Baggage: None.

I like how I am a nobody here. No one knows my past, who my friends are, the type of places I go to. No one cares who you are, what good things you've done..so what there still are people going through shit in other parts of the world so get over yourself. I guess it's easy for people in a small city like KL to get delusional because it's so easy to get recognition for the right or wor ng reasons. But here, it's like starting on a clean slate. An empty piece of canvas. Being reborn. The endless possibilities of where I could end up is exciting.

This post is not meant to belittle, condescend or offend. It is, after all, the time capsule in which I would look back to observe how and when I came across such epiphanies. I will be guilty of generalising, stereotyping.. but please in all fairness, surely you have been guilty of the same offences some time or another. And if you think you know what I'm referring to.. chances are you are wrong. I never write solely to reflect my current state of affairs, I extract my so-called theories from the experiences of others on occasion.

Very well.

All my life, I thought.. my man had to be good looking, wealthy, deep and intellectual, blowed me away with his speech, the ability to teach me new things, suave like Brendan Fraser's character as the author in Bedazzled. I was so goddam sure of it.

Perhaps it's just me but in KL, there is a pretty small pool to fish out from, metaphorically speaking. Everyone knows everyone, and everyone is just trying to be everyone, and in the event of trying to be different, more often than not end up looking trying too hard or to a sadder extent, pretentious even. In other words, everyone is just constantly trying to prove themselves as worthy. Oh the battle. They primp themselves, go out every single night to as many parties, drink themselves silly, have as many bitch fights over the stupidest things, sleep with as many girls, the need for drama in order to seem more interesting, only to wake up the next day, brag about their hangovers over coffee before repeating the previous steps. Sure sure sure, this doesn't apply to everyone. But let's face it, I'm sure you can apply this to more than half the people you know.

And of course, this does not just happen in KL. It happens to any major city in the world. Only difference is that KL is the puny-est city and it just gets a tad claustrophobic. Blame it on the media. We get shows like the OC, My Sweet Sixteen, Laguna Beach and such junk, and Malaysian's being the bumbling xenocentrics that they are (hellooo it figures why we've been taken over by everyone from the Dutch, Portuguese to the British right) just succcccumb to the frikkin dumb and lacklustre subculture of others. It is all a big Little Miss Sunshine contest. People love talking about the people they know. You may run to another country, but where there's KLites there is no escape. Yes, gossip knows no boundaries.

I like my little room in Gubbay. I am free to be whoever I want to be. I've always had to have this exterior on to be tough and invulnerable. But then I met the boy. The boy who was not who I imagined I would fall for. I liked him surely, but not in the usual manner.

You see, I would meet guys before who on first and second encounters would seem to tick all the right categories. Thus the picture of perfection. I would swoon, he is perfect, he is perfect. Then, the more I got to know them, the more I wish I hadn't. The picture of perfections crumbles and slips away. I am left dissapointed.

But with him, I started of.. this might be fun, it IS just for fun..he WAS leaving in a few months. He was BLAH and AMERICAN for crying out loud, egocentric and all that. He didn't know anything else except "..in America..we have THIS" and that irritated me so much. But, he was also caring. And responsible. Humble and unassuming. He had character, he had a grit of realism to him, he had silly hobbies that gave him a softer touch. He was a real person, someone I enjoyed being around with the more I saw of him. I felt safe. I felt like a little girl all over again whenever we held hands and I had to walk doubly fast just to catch up with him. I like how even when he made me mad, he knew how to handle me and not think it was all him him him. I was perfect.. for once I didn't feel insecure and like I had to take care of the boy so that he wouldn't stray. He, the American.. the very culture that introduced 'players and hos'..the culture that influenced our dear KLites into thinking hey everyone is doing it why not us and look at me I'm so Westernised.. fuck all that people, we're losing ourselves as a culture not that anyone cares. Anyway, yes this American looked after me like a true gentleman, spoiled me and cared for me.. just like every girl should be. No drama, no hurt, nothing but love. I was happy.

The best part? We never once had a "deep" conversation. We just enjoyed being in each others company. We didn't have to go to parties to get wasted because we had better fun doing mundane things together. Call me boring, or old even. But this is my question that I shall be pondering from this moment forth.

What does it take to make a relationship/marriage work? Should we be able to have these so-called deep converstions for the rest of our life so that we never get bored. Would that be enough to guarantee a happy marriage. Think of it, a man who is a thinker, will always have something on his mind. Meaning he is never happy. Always looking for something else. Wonder what else is out there for him. Wonder if you were the one he's supposed to be with.

Or is it more important to just be happy growing old with a person, spending quality time enjoying just living day to day with him, even if it meant comfortable silence just watching the sun set. If a man knows his responsibilities, he would never even consider straying.

Even if I do not end up with him, I am happy for the time we had together. I know he is going through a tough time now and I feel sad. But he has unintentionally taught me a lot of things in accordance to what I want and need in life and so have I to him. That alone is worth the pain that we've both had to go through. I know I might end up putting my foot in my mouth again after posting this but hey..Here's to 2007, and more life lessons along the way.

No more farewells, please.

Taking the tube for two hours to send a loved one off is one of the worst feelings ever. The ride back is 10 times worse. I've done enough goodbyes in the last six months to last me two lifetimes. It's all abit much for a girl like me to handle. I fucking hate that I cry at the slightest thing. The sight of his blue bowl, his alarm clock, their pictures.. in my room makes me want to bawl my eyes out. Everything I own or bought since coming here either has Hana or Alex memories attached to them. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.





I love both of you so much. So much it hurts. It really does. I have a fucking knot in my throat that will not go away. You took care of me and I have never felt so secure and safe, and always knew how to put a smile on my face. I love you too.. it took us that long to say it but I'm glad you did. It's been too long since I last heard those words. You will always have a spot in my heart.